Whoa

tell me once again who i am to you, who i am to you. writes the song writer and myself, as i long for a day when my mind is not flogged and clogged with meeting the needs of others. in a perfect world, oh how i would cherish the moments with my children and these long days of mothering a special needs crew and then some would be short and lively, bursting with joy... in a sorts it is, but i also crave the independence of my youth. i dream little dreams of survival in nature. then i remember there are snakes. oh creepy snakes. when i was a kid i would walk down to a farmers private lake and climb a tree, i used to watch little house on the prairie, i used to play for hours in the back ditch of our house. i was a scavenger, an optimist, an adventurer at heart. i still spot out fort grounds in a heartbeat and envision living off the land and having the cares of my world being far less than reality. the journey of motherhood is challenging for me. i always got what i wanted, in a structured environment you could say. i was the naughty kid that was smart enough to influence people in a way that pleased me. still am in a way, but my life is so caught up in advocating for my special needs kids, trying to keep up with maintaining this household, and rearing children, i forgot what i want. granted, i want my children to be successful, happy, and kind people. i want them to have experiences and opportunities to be well rounded, grounded in their faith in Jesus, and to be helpful. sometimes, while i know that God has me right where he wants me, I find myself feeling lost in this world I am supposed to be leading! my desires to adopt came true when presented to us, and again with matthew, not like we would say no. but i knew that being a mom was my new identity and weather i had one or 27 children that is who i was. and now, years later, on a bad day i would admit that it isnt very glamorous or fun. there are days that i fail. there has been countless failure. thank God that he his not keeping track, that i am washed white as snow when i come to him in surrender, that he makes all things new, that i am not captive to my selfishness. i give and give and give, but can never seem to let go of the little brat in me that wants to be me and not have the responsibilities that this family demands of me. i want isolation some days, i want travel and excitement, i want understanding. i am blessed, dont get me wrong, but i am challenged to feel validated when most of my obligations are mundane, reoccurring, or of little value to others. my goal here is to share my heart and my feelings to later reflect on how God is showing me who i am and that i am executing a favorable task for the Lord and that he is my refuge and my strength. Because you have made the LORD your refuge, the Most High your habitation, no evil shall befall you, no scourge come near your tent. Psalms 91:9-10