The letter

It is with a heavy heart I want everyone to know what is going on with my dad, incase you are led to encourage him by mail. He was doing good upon his release of serving his time, I believe he got out mid April. But evidently he started drinking a couple weeks ago, this I learned last Tuesday when we visited him and he displayed his inability to stay sober. I asked him if he just wanted to be a drinker and he said no, he likes cigarettes too. Wife said if that was his lifestyle he wold have to live alone, he said probably. The next day he took off only to be arrested after spending the night in a hotel and then becoming belligerent and unsafe at a local business. The owner called Wife. Dad was booked on disorderly conduct and also 5th degree assault- fear of bodily harm or death. Bail was set, not sure if he even tried calling Wife, she is ready to walk- he is disconnected and unable to recognize what is even normal behavior. Conditions to bail are that he pay for and use the alcohol monitoring, so quite certain he will serve time until his July 19 court date. If you have time, perhaps send him a note reminding him he has many years left that can be good or bad, that he needs to do what his kids are saying and his wife and he can get through this. Honestly, I am going to write him and just put it all on the table, because I think he isn't even understanding concepts and his mind has become mushy and disorientated. But that should not stop us from trying! Please pray that God removes these challenges for him and renews his mind to be focused on being healthy and connecting with his family and others, even that he gets psychiatric care. It really sucks to think his elderly years might be so consumed with this alcoholism and mental health yuck. He did visit a neurologist; however, he seemed to pass their random office tests and Wife chose to not give the letter my brother had written identifying the bizarre and concerning behaviors, she claims they discussed those things, yet I remain unclear and disappointed as to why she didn't give the letter. Please pray for him and consider sending him some truths, he is confused and consumed in delusions and fog right now. His little chore lists from his wife, who works wayyyy too much; and crosswords caught up to him and the reality of him being incompetent to engage with the community and feel worthless about his current statuses leads him to drink, straight vodka. Anyhow, we appreciate your prayers and any insights for him you might have. Perhaps a flood of love might rock his boat enough to find peace and wisdom from God to find s self again. Thanks,

Not Getting Hung Up

Is one of my faults. I get hung up on minor details, believe the lie that they are not minor, and sabotage my goals of bonding and teaching my children the big picture. The truth is that there are enough minor issues that make it the big picture, but getting upset because my husband let a teenager cut off some jeans horribly and then wear them, is just a distraction. I cannot worry about the petty things, because it is exhausting. Yes, the shorts will be evened out before he can wear them again. No, he will not be making shorts to avoid having to wear the other shorts. Rigid thinking, unreasonable reason, illogical logic, and processing problems play into the minor details that require me to stop and think, and chose what the best response is. I actually need to learn to not respond. I have always been very intuitive, observative, and efficient. It makes me hyper-vigilant at times and for that I am working on trying to be more relaxed and not worry about what could happen, but rather what is happening, what has happened and why. In education advocacy, in theraputic services, in parenting traumatized children, there are advantages to seeing the next step, staying ahead, and being proactive versus reactive in decisions. In the family life that is not always the case, not if there are people that are lower functioning and always going to do things against the grain. For years they have tried getting the triange peg shaved down to fit into the circle hole, but I need to make the hole bigger because it is too frustrating and inneffective to think that the peg is going in. I just doesnt work. What is my problem and what is theirs? I have one thing to do with these kids and it is to be their mom. Not all moms recognize and have superficial visions for their kids. And if they do, they do not have 8 kids of which half have disabilities. It is okay if my kids cut offs are 4 inches different. He survived the day and the sun has rose again. His mercies are new each morning. I cannot believe the lies that there is greater value in the appearance of some ratty cut offs than me being a kind mother that encourages relationship over materialism or concerns of what others may think. The only true judge is God, and he has given this life to us. I need to choose to obey and set example. Choose joy. Choose happiness, be that model for this home and love my kids, teach them patience, love, and understanding. Keep it up because the Lord is on my side, keep it up there is good news on the inside. Don't get hung up on the little could have been should have been don't get stuck in what won't be here in the end. What's of value and who is the judge, stomp out the lies and do not budge... On who is your King and what is his rule, who is the boss and who is the fool, Don't get hung up on the lies and the mistakes, for you make them yourself and those chains have to break. For bondage to my own kingdom has failed once again, been washed by the blood of the lamb. He saves my soul and can save yours too, he takes my mistakes and gives me life new. Don't get hung up on what doesn't count, Christ paid the price at any amount.

Broken

Growing up my dad was a recovering alcoholic. I vaguely remember him drinking beer and getting a sip as preschooler on his lap, nice, yeah, I know:) But he was sober for 28 years. He was a rock for me. Maybe that is where my restlessness is stirring from, when you live your life and know things that then are no longer true. I feel like my dad is gone. My dad, who for years and years, knew the answer to everything. He was the smartest person ever, when in doubt, ask Dad! That changed a few years ago, and he seemed to be in a funk that led him to drink or his drinking got him there to being with. One will likely never know. He had gotten a college degree and worked for a great company for many years. He started to be stressed and trapped at work, they were refusing to give him assistance and had eliminated support positions and were bullying him. It was the year of the babies. All four of my siblings had babies within 6 months of eachother. My sister had moved out to Michigan for her hubby to get his free ride to law school, smart son of a gun. Must have been August 2010. It wasn't until that October that we learned that on the move my Dad had gone and got some vodka and got plastered. He couldn't keep it a secret any longer like his wife had been. My brother-in-law was confided in and respected that enough to think it was a one time thing or something that was on the mend. Instead it turned out to be a nightmare that seems finally over. This includes felony charges, yet i would minimize. He lost his right to bear firearms and hunt, a component to my Dad's ever existence. Right now he is choosing sobriety, but I am leaning more because of an incompetency in his skills and understanding at this point. I grieve the loss of my Dad, he is no longer approachable, knowledgable, caring, concerned, or helpful. He has a cross of alcohol brain damage or the start of alzhiemers. He is my Dad and I love him, this is just an unforeseen part of his aging and it sucks.

Whoa

tell me once again who i am to you, who i am to you. writes the song writer and myself, as i long for a day when my mind is not flogged and clogged with meeting the needs of others. in a perfect world, oh how i would cherish the moments with my children and these long days of mothering a special needs crew and then some would be short and lively, bursting with joy... in a sorts it is, but i also crave the independence of my youth. i dream little dreams of survival in nature. then i remember there are snakes. oh creepy snakes. when i was a kid i would walk down to a farmers private lake and climb a tree, i used to watch little house on the prairie, i used to play for hours in the back ditch of our house. i was a scavenger, an optimist, an adventurer at heart. i still spot out fort grounds in a heartbeat and envision living off the land and having the cares of my world being far less than reality. the journey of motherhood is challenging for me. i always got what i wanted, in a structured environment you could say. i was the naughty kid that was smart enough to influence people in a way that pleased me. still am in a way, but my life is so caught up in advocating for my special needs kids, trying to keep up with maintaining this household, and rearing children, i forgot what i want. granted, i want my children to be successful, happy, and kind people. i want them to have experiences and opportunities to be well rounded, grounded in their faith in Jesus, and to be helpful. sometimes, while i know that God has me right where he wants me, I find myself feeling lost in this world I am supposed to be leading! my desires to adopt came true when presented to us, and again with matthew, not like we would say no. but i knew that being a mom was my new identity and weather i had one or 27 children that is who i was. and now, years later, on a bad day i would admit that it isnt very glamorous or fun. there are days that i fail. there has been countless failure. thank God that he his not keeping track, that i am washed white as snow when i come to him in surrender, that he makes all things new, that i am not captive to my selfishness. i give and give and give, but can never seem to let go of the little brat in me that wants to be me and not have the responsibilities that this family demands of me. i want isolation some days, i want travel and excitement, i want understanding. i am blessed, dont get me wrong, but i am challenged to feel validated when most of my obligations are mundane, reoccurring, or of little value to others. my goal here is to share my heart and my feelings to later reflect on how God is showing me who i am and that i am executing a favorable task for the Lord and that he is my refuge and my strength. Because you have made the LORD your refuge, the Most High your habitation, no evil shall befall you, no scourge come near your tent. Psalms 91:9-10